When drunk or on drugs I used to go to hookers sometimes and regularly traveled to Asia to combine my holidays with the possibilities of hiring an escort girl for reasonably money. Here it's almost not affordable but in Thailand one can have female companion for like 4 weeks for a ridiculous mount of $$$.
I would be so driven by my need for tenderness, closeness and affection, much more so than for raw sex; the thought of lying in bed and listen to the girl besides breathing and feeling her warmth exude seemed so comforting in my dreams but in reality I felt depressed and even more lonely when the charade came to an end. I had to pay the girl and face the fact that I had to pay for female companionship and that every man with deep enough pockets could come there and hire the same girl for sexual favours and some sweet talk. You paid for one big illusion and while some men seemed to be able to convince and bull*** themselves that the girls went with them because of their handsomeness and virility instead of the almighty dollar I refused to do so. To live with such a doll and settle for the lifelong illusion would be so depressing and comparable to abandon any hope that was left. I don't judge them, really, it's just that the thought of living with a doll is unbearable to me, so sad!

Such a strange disturbing yet fascinating peek into the lives of these social misfits! I was glued to the screen and though I could relate to (almost all of) them it's such a sad sight in a way, just depresses the hell outta me.
When I say "relate" I mean it because I'm painfully shy myself, not like most would picture shyness but really in a way which makes it - seemingly - impossible for me to flirt with a girl and date her. There are people on TV in shows who like to say "Oh I'm so shy!" but a real shy person would never be able to go into a TV studio let alone utter a single word.
I've low self-esteem and I'm intimidated by women, especially the beautiful and confident type, hell even by bratty teenage girls! So I know how they feel and think yet it's so sad to see that these guys have given totally up on themselves and retreated in a fantasy world. While I could see myself "***" such a doll I couldn't for the life of me picture myself living day in day out with the doll, caress her, talk to her, eat with her and do all the things we saw these guys do. It's a humiliating thought!
I totally understand the need for these dolls but I know that many if not all of these guys must feel terrible when they are done with the sex and the lust eases off and all there is left is this bittersweet loneliness.